NAMING THE SCHWARZKOPF BABY
by Ross Eckler
Word Ways, 1991
"Norman," asked his wife, "what will we name your heir-to-be? Norman, Junior?"
The genral rubbed his chin reflectively. "No, that's not a good idea. Gives the kid too much to live up to. Let him stand or fall on his own moniker. But it ought to be something dignified, something that would go well with his future station in life. Who knows, you might be carrying a future Judge Schwarzkopf."
"So what would you call him?"
"Why not an old-fashioned name like Levi?"
"Sounds like a country hick or an advertisement for blue jeans. A name like Guy would be much more classy."
"Classy? I'd call it just plain wimpy. Makes me think of an English squire wearing a monocle. Nearly as bad as Nigel."
His wife reflected a bit. "Then how about Glen? Or Emil?"
The general scowled. "Nah, too foreign. Why not an all-American name like Tim, or Ted, or Len, or Bud, or Melvin? A man with a name like that can go far. Remember Melvin Laird, the former Secretary of Defense?"
"But what if it's a girl?"
"No problem," he countered. "Call her Mindy or Midge."
"Mindy? Midge? Norman, where do you come up with such la-di-dah names? Do you think she's going to spend her life pouring tea or riding to hounds? I much prefer simple, honest names like June, Meg, or Judy."
"Simple? Honest? I'd rather vote for lah-di-dah. But let's be practical. Wouldn't Aunt Emily--the one that inherited the Jung fortune--be persuaded to leave something in her will if we named the baby after her? How about Emily Jung Schwarzkopf?"
Emily Jung Schwarzkopf is, of course, imaginary, but it does use 20 letters of the alphabet, each one once. It would have been 21 had the general spelled his surname Schwartzkopf, leaving out only the letters B.D,Q,V and X.